Becoming a Culturally Humble Compassionate Mess
I recently learned about the idea of being a “compassionate mess” while attending a Mindful Self-Compassion training with Kristin Neff. Neff talked about ways that we can aspire to accept ourselves despite our messiness, and she emphasized that ultimately this can help us live more meaningful lives. After sitting with these thoughts for several months, I decided to explore the idea of the compassionate mess in more detail. How does the compassionate mess ideal connect with my work using motivational interviewing, cultural humility and compassion-based approaches in mental health? This article is an attempt at wrapping my mind around the meaning and practical application of the compassionate mess ideal within a framework of mental health and cultural humility.
A Hot Mess
When hearing the term “compassionate mess,” many of us have some sense of what is being referred to. The term reminds me of the idea of a “hot mess.” I first leaned of this term in the early 2000’s. One Urban Dictionary definition of hot mess includes, “one’s thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty” (Pounce, 2007). The dictionary explains the term as “a person or thing that is spectacularly unsuccessful or disordered, especially one that is a source of peculiar fascination” (Oxford Dictionary Press, 2014).
The term “hot mess” implies that there is some type of unconventional, perhaps spontaneous beauty that emerges from a chaotic or disorganized phenomenon. It seems that the messiness itself paradoxically adds to the beauty, perhaps the messy quality adds a authenticity and depth to person or object. A “hot mess” reminds me of a 3 year old daughter who has been hard at play in her room with the door closed for 30 minutes – she emerges from the room with smeared lipstick, wearing a spiderman-princess outfit, and a sharing a toothy candy-stained smile. I have often felt like a hot mess when attempting to manage multiple client crisis at once - frantically texting and calling clients and resources parked on a shoulder of a road enroute to the hospital engulfed by the smell of spilled coffee stained on my shirt.
Some qualities of a hot mess may include disorganization, disorder, and destruction. Yet other qualities associated with a hot mess can include beauty, authenticity, and intrigue. The hot mess archetype is one that embraces imperfection and incorporates the presentation of beauty. The hot mess archetype accepts and embraces the phase “life is messy.”
A Compassionate Mess
In much the same way, the aspiration of becoming a compassionate mess accepts that life is not perfect. Suffering is a normal part of this life, all of us will at times become sick, worried, sad, and ultimately die. There are so many aspects of our life that are out of our control – any yet we continue to make a difference where we can. By aspiring to embrace and honor the innate messiness of being human in this world, we can actually see our imperfections as strengths to support us in this life journey.
Our own imperfections and our own experiences of suffering connect us to others – this makes us relatable and more human. The more we can notice, experience, and accept our human-ness, the more real we feel to ourselves and others. It is exactly this embrace of our imperfection that can open us up to giving and receiving compassion. A compassionate mess is an alchemist who can work with their own messiness as an expression of compassion to connect with ourselves and others. Imperfectness gives us room to be human, imperfection grants us freedom from shame, and our messiness becomes our superpower.
Neff summed up the idea of a compassionate mess in the following excerpt from a podcast interview:
We can read all the self-help books we want, we can go on, you know, numerous meditation retreats, we can get it all right, but we're still going to be a mess because we're human beings and human beings are not perfect. So we will never get rid of the fact that we are a mess in our life is a mess, but we can do, what is an actual achievable goal is to being a compassionate mess… When you become a compassionate mess, ironically, that's going to give you more resources to be able to do the best you can. Yeah, you won’t be perfect, but maybe you can, you know, in this kind of calmer mind state, you can think of more creative solutions to your problems. So, you know, it actually does help you be your best person, but it comes from the sense of unconditional acceptance [of our imperfections] (Riday, 2018).
Neff and Germer offer practical advice on how to work to become a compassionate mess in their Mindful Self Compassion work. The following excerpt is one example of a practice that applies the compassionate mess aspiration to real-life practice:
Whenever you find yourself using self-compassion to try to make the pain go away or to become a “better person,” try shifting your focus away from this subtle form of resistance and practice compassion simply because we’re all imperfect human beings, living imperfect lives. And life is hard. In other words, practice being a “compassionate mess.” By simply asking the question “What do I need now?” you allow yourself a moment of self-compassion, even if you can’t find an answer or don’t have the ability to meet your needs at the time (Neff and Germer, 2020).
As humans, we live in a complex social and cultural environment. When interacting with others in this world, we are constantly trying to navigate a complicated web of contrasting life experiences, perspectives, and opinions. Systemic oppression can have a profound impact on how we are socialized, communicate, and connect with others. Those of us with many privileged identities can even be somewhat blinded by our privilege; we can become inadvertently convinced that the worldviews, culture and practice of our group are moral, right, or natural. Media, socialization and other systems of power can reinforce these beliefs, and in the end we may be left with cultural blinders on – these blinders can be major obstacles in our efforts to connect with individuals who have identities that differ from our own.
Cultural Humility
Cultural humility is one way that we can break through these barriers and take off our blinders. Through the practice of critical self-reflection, addressing power imbalances for collaborative partnership, and seeking institutional accountability, cultural humility invites us to approach others with a sense of humility and focus. In cultural humility we take an active role in understanding our own identities, biases, worldviews. From that self-reflective foundation, we can begin to engage in cultural conversations with others from the stance as non-expert lifelong learner. Finally we can partner with individuals and groups to take some type of compassionate action with the aim of creating systemic change to oppressive systems (Tervalon & Murray-Garcia 1998).
The practice of cultural humility seems to require that we embrace our messiness and imperfection. As individuals living in a world of 8 billion humans, how can we ever expect to understand the perspectives, culture, and life experiences of all people? Heck, I have a hard enough time trying to understand how my young daughters see the world, understanding folks with drastically different life experiences seems like an impossible task! So instead of trying to perfect our knowledge of human behavior, culture, and experience, we can accept that we are imperfect. We have incomplete knowledge, experience, and perspectives, yet we do still try to act with connection and compassion the best we can. In cultural humility we embrace the fact that we do not know, and this opens us so that we can learn, understand, and connect.
Becoming a Culturally Humble Compassionate Mess
It seems that the practice of cultural humility requires that we admit and work to accept our imperfections so that we can engage in meaningful activities. If we are to learn from other perspectives, we must first accept that our own perspectives are not omniscient – we are curious learners. Further we cannot fully embrace our compassionate messiness without accepting that we make mistakes when talking and connecting with others with different life experiences. We will make mistakes when talking with others about life experiences, identity issues, privilege and oppression. We can work with ourselves from a place of self-compassion when these mistakes occur so that we can continue the conversation and avoid becoming defensive or shutting down.
Perhaps a culturally humble compassionate mess is an individual who honors and embraces differences in the human experience within a context of privilege and oppression. Being a compassionate mess means that we take the stance of a lifelong learner who will definitely make clumsy mistakes along the way. Finally the aspiration of becoming a cultural compassionate mess calls us to work with our own difficult emotions that arise as we explore taboo topics such as race, class, gender, sexual orientation and the like – these emotions will arise and we can respond to them with kindness and understanding. We could subdivide the categories of cultural compassionate messiness into 3 categories: compassionate critical self-reflection, cultural conversations with compassion, and compassionate approach to institutional accountability.
1. Compassionate Critical Self-Reflection
When I think about my aspiration to become a culturally humble compassionate mess, I think first about compassionate critical self-reflection. First I must find ways to incorporate regular reflective practice into my life to help me identify my cultural blinders, biases, and world views. Where do these beliefs and perspectives come from, how do they relate to my identities and socialization? How do they serve me, and how do they limit me? Critical self-reflection calls us to examine aspects of our identities that are privileged, and look at aspects of our identities that have been marginalized. We can use mindfulness to “watch our thoughts” using a lends of equity, and we may notice some stereotypes, biases, and other uncomfortable phenomena visiting our minds. We are human and not perfect. We have all been socialized and as a result have internalized beliefs, messages, and ideas of the dominant culture. It should not be surprising when distressing sexist, racist, classist and other dehumanizing thoughts are present – inevitably we will have an emotional response to some of these thoughts.
The act of critical self-refection can bring to our bodies the sensations of shame, guilt, anger, or other difficult emotions. We may experience guilt related to our privileged racial identity when reflecting on how our ancestors exploited and tortured enslaved Africans. We may experience anger when reflecting on past instances where we were not accepted by social groups and bullied because we were neuroatypical. When these hard feelings come up, it is important to practice acceptance and compassion. I can remind myself that I am not striving to be perfect, these feelings are part of the human experience. I can re-visit my aspiration to embrace my innate messiness and my intention to practice compassion and connection with others and myself – especially when it is difficult. Intense feelings can sometimes paralyze us, and cause us to experience fear of acting. But if we can accept these feelings and invite them on our reflective journey, then we can continue to focus on the important work of thinking critically about how best to move forward and engage.
Key compassionate critical self-reflection practices:
Reflect on identity, socialization, and life experience
messages, stereotypes, values, norms
visible vs nonvisible, targeted vs. provided, more conscious vs. less conscious.
Notice feelings related to these identities
Notice and name emotions
Identify location in the body
Practice self-compassion
Soften, soothe and allow
2. Cultural Conversation with Compassion
Another practice that will be important in compassionately humble messiness is connecting with others from a place of humility, openness, and compassion. While there is no “magic recipe” for doing this, it is important that I center myself into an open and grounded mindset when (and before) working with others. Cultural humility values conversations about culture and difference as a vital aspect in connecting with others and practicing any type of compassion. When having cultural conversations, I will need to be present and curious both with the person I am talking with and also myself through the interaction. When a hard feeling or thought comes up within myself during the conversation, I can work to accept this with self-compassion. When a misunderstanding or challenge comes up in the outer conversation, I can likewise work to accept this with curiosity and compassion.
Motivational interviewing (MI) skills of skillfully using open-ended questions, affirmations, reflections, and summaries can be applied in these cultural conversations. While the MI strategy focuses primarily on change talk, compassionate cultural conversations can focus on cultural opportunities (i.e. opportunities to engage in talk about culture and difference). A skilled MI practitioner can use the MI spirit of compassion, non-judgment and acceptance to set aside our attachments and ego. The non-expert approach of MI can help us to be fully present and curious with the person we are talking with. And while an MI practitioner does not typically adopt a stance of equipoise, a cultural conversation may require this stance (Hook et. Al., 2017, Miller & Rollnick, 2013).
Instead of avoiding conversations about difference, I can stay present with the uncomfortableness of a conversation in a way that honors and embraces the complexities of culture, privilege and oppression. The practice of having cultural conversations may require that I use self-disclosure in terms of my identities, life experiences, privileges or systemic disadvantages. I may encounter some evidence of unearned privilege or identity-based suffering in this conversation. The cultural conversation almost requires that we experience some form of vulnerability. Having an authentic conversation about difference and culture will require that I embrace my human-ness. It will be again important that I remind myself of the compassionate mess aspiration; I am striving to act with curiosity, authenticity and connection – not perfection – to this world.
Key compassionate cultural conversation practices:
Engage in cultural conversations
Identify and evoke cultural opportunities
Use MI skills and seek to understand difference form a non-expert stance of curiosity to show your understanding and interest
Notice internal emotional landscape
respond to difficult emotions with compassion in real time
remember the innate messiness of these complex conversations and the human experience
Mitigate power imbalances
Seek feedback, honor needs, preferences and perspectives of your partner
Verbalize understanding of power dynamics, explain intention
Explicitly affirm statements and perspectives shared
Practice self-disclosure by sharing life experiences when appropriate
3. Compassionate Approach to Institutional Accountability
Compassionate actions to address inequity on the systemic and institutional levels can feel overwhelming and intimidating. Bureaucracies, policies, and covert rules are durable and powerful. And while change in larger systems of power may not be an easy quick fix, it certainly starts with small steps of developing relationships and connections across multiple life experiences and identities. If I were to advocate for a change in hiring practices that favored white middle class applicants, it would be helpful to gather support, ideas, and opinions of non-white non-middle class background applicants or employees. The aspiration of becoming a compassionate mess allows me the freedom to be fully imperfectly human, embrace cultural differences, all while holding compassion for myself and others through tough conversations. By acknowledging my human-ness I can stay engaged and avoid getting shut down in this work.
Key compassionate accountability practices:
Engage in assessment of the issue at hand in context of power
Seek a diversity of perspective and voices
Gather information from qualitative and quantitative sources
Understand the impact of the issue on variety of stakeholders
Notice emotional reaction
Normalize the emotional experiences and inevitable mistakes
Invite difficult emotions into the journey of systemic change
Take action
Identify an issue or set of issues to address and develop a power map and strategy
Elicit support from variety of stakeholders
Advocate from a place of informed humility and compassion
Engage and communicate with those effected by changes made
Works Cited
Hook, J., Davis, D., Owen, J. & DeBlaere, C. (2017). Cultural Humility: Engaging diverse identities in therapy. DC: American Psychological Association.
Miller, W.R., and Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational Interviewing: Helping people change. NY: Guilford Press.
Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2020). The transformative effects of mindful self-compassion. Mindful Magazine. Retrieved from: https://mindfulwerkenmetcompassie.nl/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/The-Transformative-Effects-of-Mindful-Self-Compassion-Neff-Germer.pdf
Oxford University Press. (2014) Hot mess. Oxford English dictionary.
Pounce (2007). Hot mess. Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hot%20mess
Riday, J. (July 2018). Mindful self compassion (with Kristin Neff). The Vibrant Happy Women Podcast. Retrieved from https://www.jenriday.com/121transcript/
Tervalon, M. & Murray-Garcia, J. (1998). Cultural humility versus cultural competence: a critical distinction in defining physician training outcomes in multicultural education. Journal of Healthcare for the Poor and Underserved,9(2), pp. 177-129.
